When you’re a mom, you’re a mom above everything else. That means when you’re sick, you’re still a mom. Even when you’re chronically sick, you suck it up, you’re still a mom. I do what I can, when I can and rest as much as possible. I have a wonderfully supportive boyfriend and my kids are older and pretty good at picking up after themselves and stepping it up when I ask them to. Trust me, I know how blessed I am. But at home it seems like there’s always something I should be doing so it’s hard for me to relax 100%. So for the last couple weeks I’ve used my time at acupuncture for meditation. It’s perfect. It’s quiet except for the soft music playing. I have no choice but to lie still. No one is asking for my attention. I can assign my mind the sole task of focusing on my healing. Last week I asked myself, “What needs to heal?”
Immediately, my mind had an image of love and light in the form of a body. Then the light was encased in a “meat-suit.” Then the meat-suit cracked open again and the light rose up. On one hand it seemed like it was supposed to be this profound message but it was so rudimentary and simple that I laughed. I actually laughed out loud on the table. I was reminded of my limited knowledge of the teaching of Abraham Hicks. That our spirits inhabit our bodies, experience life, then return to the source.
I thought of my fiancé and my dad. I lost my fiancé five years ago and my dad two months ago. In my head I started listing the stages of grief. Was I sad that they broke free of the meat-suit and their light was free? No. What was there to be sad about. It was the natural progression of life. Their light is still with me. Was I angry? Again, no. Who is there to be angry with? I definitely wasn’t in denial and I wasn’t bargaining anymore. I think I was finally comfortable saying that I had accepted both of their deaths. And not in a reluctant way either. I’ve accepted that death is part of life and that nothing is permanent. While I go to acupuncture to help with my physical healing, a huge part of my emotional healing took place in that session.
For the past week now, I’ve been maybe just a little too amused with the idea of the meat-suit. The most obvious real world incarnation has been my dogs. C’mon, you can’t tell me that dogs aren’t the epitome of love and light in a meat-suit the way they wiggle all happy to see you. But the idea as a whole has made me look at people a little bit differently. I’m trying to see their light, not their suit. I’m trying to make sure my light shines through my suit. I finally get the whole “be the light” thing.
It’s funny that sometimes life has to knock you on your butt to get you to take a minute to listen, so it can teach you to be human.